breathe in, breathe out...

Damn, this blog has become my outlet... and I feel that sometimes I couldn't make it without it... Family is complicated... we all know that... It is definately not easy dealing with our moms, dads, stepmoms (take a look at faitry tales) and stepdads... As previously stated I haven't had the best relationship with my mom... actually right now, we are not in speaking terms... we were fighting so much that a time to cool off was in order... However, i have come to realized she actually decided to take some time off from me... we are both so stubborn... neither of us want to be wrong... I have written e-mails taking all the fault to myself a couple of times... I just can't do it anymore.... we are both at fault here... I miss her... I was looking at some new pictures of her with my stepdad on orkut and tears started to pour... I miss having them in my life... I miss talking to her... I am so sad right now... it hurts so much... I hate the whole fighting thing... and with us is a catch 22... no one gives in... I mean, i have already sent an e-mail asking her to leave it all behind, so we can start over... she is giving me the cold shoulder... and I know she wants me me to take all the blame... I just CAN"T I'll maybe post more details about it some time... I just needed to vent a little... see you next time... thanks for "listening"... :P

And the OSCAR goes to...

Jon Stewart!!!!! Seriously... Even if you have watched ALL the movies that were nominated, which I doubt even a small percentage of the academy members did, THE ACADEMY AWARDS is boring... usually some musical numbers, and hopefully the host, save it. The honors tonight go almost completelly to Jon Stewart... It's 7am here in Tel Aviv... I have been watching the E! countdown for sooooooo many hours... and then finally at 3:30 the cerimony... Stewart actually made me laugh out loud pratically everytime he was on... hats off... I am NOT going to post the winners here... honestly, who gives a rat's ass for who won in sound mixing?? and besides, this is NOT a "movie blog"... However, I digress and admit that The Bourne Ultimatum winning in all the categories it was nominated for, (all technical categories) was awsome... JASON BOURNE RULES... I would like to point out some other "awsome" and "yeah, right!" moments of the evening of the evening... (in my forgetable and completely irrelevant opinion)... Awsome - Marion Cotillard winning for La Vie en Rose was very cute... yeah, right! - Jennifer Hudson barely being able to read the teleprompter was not so cute... lol Awsome - Jon Stweart's jokes (a couple will be "described" later on, on this same post) FUN!!! yeah, right! - The inumerous number of montages... NOT FUN!!! Awsome - Seth Rogen and the chubby kid from "superbad"... very funny... I totally got confused... who is Halle Berry and who is Dame Judy Dench??? LOL yeah, right! - Colin Ferrel... hmmmmmmm funny.... NOT! Awsome - Marion Cotillard looked AMAZING in her dress... yeah, right! - Tilda Swilton looked GASTLY in her customized trash bag... Extra Awsome moments: - Cohen's brothers acceptance speeches - Javier Badem's Spanish moment - the musical performances - Katherine Heigl feeling completely out of place (I love her... but it was funny) - Miley Cirus almost falling... lol - Diablo Cody winning for best original screenplay... :) - the original song winners (Sooooooo cute) JON STEWART jokes that stuck to my head: "Diablo Cody, congrats... you were an exotic dancer, now you are an academy award nominated writer... How are you enjoyig the pay cut???" "He won two academy awards years ago... He actually has no place being here tonight... How dare he?? TOM HANKS..." "We have two pregnant actresses here at the moment... Jessica Alba and Cate Blanchet... however, the night is still young... Jack Nicholson is here... the numbers might change... we'll taly it up later on..." "Nominated for the baby are: Cate Blanchet, Jessica Alba and Nicole Kidman... The winner is... Angelina Jolie... She couldn't be here tonight, you know that getting 17 nannies on Osracr night is hard... so, I'll accept the baby in her name..."

ps: Israel's "beufort" lost the foreign language movie oscar :( Ok guys, this is my "Oscar edition" or whatever that means... lol I want to dedicate this post to my Moischa, who actually gave me the idea to make this post... which I wasn't even thinking of doing... I miss and love you my Moischa W.

ps2: for a list of the winners go to: http://www.imdb.com/ Until next time...

It's showtime...

What is there in a template? The blog would still be the same, while looking different? Of course guys, I finally got rid of the basic template offered by the Blogger (which I liked, btw... but I prefer using somehting out of the "basic" area) I got this template online and I am well aware more people have this one... but until someone doesn't make me a personalized one... this is it... and it's orange, which is ALWAYS good in my opinion... Let's change the subject a bit, shall we? while lazying around the house, on the "amazing" 10 day winter-break we had between end of finals and the second semester, internet, television and the telephone were my very best friend... during that time me and Vivi came across a couple of very interesting blogs... these blogs analyze the man/woman relationship... which is still a mistery to us all... The game is overplayed most times... we fell like a fresbee thrown around without a care in the world... and quoting an awsome brazillian blog "all men are clowns" and some are very skilled ones... they perform magic tricks (making themselves disappear), acrobacies (handling more than two women at a time)... and so on... if you really think about it... men are not just clowns... they are the whole circus... Before reading this blog, I never thought about that... but now it all makes sense... however, that realization will not help us in any way other than showing us that we should never expect much from them... well, I might be sounding cinical... and maybe I AM cinical at the moment... Vivi always tells me I am a romantic... and I am... but I have been screwed over a few too many times... I am on the fence now... for me the jury is out for the whole male genre... Besides all that, I am a romantic... so I will keep hoping someone comes along and proves me wrong...

Bonus question...

Ok... I feel I have to share this with you guys (assuming more than one person reads this thing... lol... well, Helena, Babi, I know you girls do... but would it kill you to leave a comment??? just kidding... thanks for reading lol and btw, thanks to Vivi and SquareDevil who actually did leave comments...) WOW! long parenthesis... will I ever be able to be short and sweet?? lol Well, The following is an actual question given on a University ofWashington chemistry midterm. The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, and now I do my part as a web surfer and spread it around... lol ENJOY!!!! "Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law(gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or somevariant.One student, however, wrote the following:First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate atwhich they are leaving.I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, itwill not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the differentReligions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions statethat if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Sincethere is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong tomore than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number ofsouls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change ofthe volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for thetemperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has toexpand proportionately as souls are added. This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which soulsenter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until allHell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the rate at which soulsenter Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezesover. So which is it?If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa, (Cheerleader Captainand Class Valedictorian) during my Freshman year that, "it will be a coldday in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that Islept with her last night and again this morning, then number 2must be true,and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, itfollows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore,extinct...leaving only Heaven, and thereby proving the existence of adivine being which explains why, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!!!" "THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A." - and let's agree people.. well deserved... lol

...I broke free!!!

Scars, what are scars? Scars are a mere ghost of old wounds, someone might say. That is accurate. For a person to have a scar the wound needs to be healed, but not healed enough in order to leave some traces. That confuses me. Because then I cannot understand what emotional scars are. If scars are “healed” wounds, how come our scars can be poked and become part of lives in a vivid way again? Truly healed wounds don’t leave scars, I believe that. However, truly deep wounds cannot be healed, especially emotional ones. I open my eyes, was it a dream? – No Larissa!!! – I hear that little voice say in the back of my head. What is that? I look at my right arm, only to see once again a red mark on it. – Oh, no. I blacked out again. – The burning pain starts to catch up with my awakening. I look to my front and the she is, eyes burning with anger and apparently waiting for a response. I don’t know what to say, I have no idea what she was saying anymore. If I say the wrong thing the future is clear, I need to focus – What does she want to hear? – I ask myself, my little friend says… – I don’t know, I blacked out with you. Be careful! – Ouch, I feel another hit, but this time there is no black out, just her voice clearly ringing in my ear: So, what do you have to say for yourself? That’s when I realize I need to be fast and say… – You are right mom, I need to study more –

while I tell myself: why? I only made one mistake... why like this? She throws the wrinkled booklet back at me and I go to my room. Back on my bed, I tried to memorize a social studies booklet, looking at the paper through a curtain of water that gave no sign of stopping. My heart pounding on my chest, the burning red marks throbbing on my forearm. Next day, I am ready for school. She comes to me and asks to take a look at my forearm: Oh sweetie, I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you. But you know you need to study more. - Yeah mom, I know - I had heard that before, a few times...

I’m at school, another day around people that I can’t seem to connect with. One more day around people that really doesn’t care if I am there or not. I hear my only friend say – We just go to go through it, let’s just survive this -

Oh, my bed. That’s all I can think of, the only moment truly mine. The moment I can feel free, not happy, simply detached from it all. The moment I don’t need to feel like myself. When I come to think about it, there is no myself in that scenario. I don’t really know who I am, the opinions I have are not my own. They are just a mirror of hers. Hell, who does she think she is? Why can’t I be me? Why can’t I at least try to find out who “me” is? Whoever that might be I am sure I would be much happier than being someone’s shadow.

Who the hell is the person living in my skin? I try to find out from time to time. I feel her coming out at times. Trying to laugh naturally, make some jokes, be herself for once; but that’s when I feel her eyes on me. Those burning eyes, her mouth does not need to say a word. Those eyes, they say it all. They sing an opera, an epic. The story they tell is not a happy one, they tell the story of pain and constriction.

I shouldn’t let “me” out, noooo not here where people can see. I’m better off being her shadow, while she brags to her friends how proud she is of her little robot. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, but it takes time to get there, lot of time and pain. A lot of obstacles were crossed; a lot of self discoveries were made. The journey of self discovery is a never ending one, I know that now. But I have to be who I am and live my life. I broke free, yes, I broke free.

I have to admit that the person that cast that shadow on me for so long wasn’t the same when I finally could fly solo. She changed, she gave me room to change and grow, I realize she did the best she could and I do not fault her for it. However the pain is there, the memories are there and there is a scar. She calls me selfish for having broken free; she calls me selfish for having let her behind and for coming after “me”. I might be, I don’t really know. I don’t regret it though; I am the one who needs to live this life, not her. I can’t be that shadow anymore, I can’t hide “me” anymore. I don’t know how much of her I have in “me”, I think she is an amazing person and I am proud to have her in “me”; as long as it’s “me” and not her shadow.

I broke free that day, I left her behind. I had to leave her behind and I still need to fly a little more before I can look back. I still hear the “selfish” coming from lips from time to time. It hurts and I have to control myself not to let the shadow take me over and make me throw myself at her mercy and plea for forgiveness. I won’t apologize for believing in “me” and I have to keep flying. I broke free and I will never let “me” go again.

*****I know... this is not like my usual... but, again... I AM NOT the usual... get used to it :)